Anti-antipodes: Nice Day for a Wine Wedding

This is what a wedding is all about. It is not simply a public declaration of a bond of marriage, a uniting of families, an announcement of a long-term supportive commitment. It is an artificial scenario designed to induce extreme stress in the prospective couple in order to (a) produce a stronger relationship through shared hardship, and (b) show each prospective partner how the other will behave under duress.

Of course, it's not enough to merely make the couple tired, nervous and edgy. The people all around them must be similarly stressed to make sure there is no node of calm support available to either of the couple.

I'm only privy to the crucible the couple were tested in from the night before, so I can't talk about the weeks of wind up.

Step 1. The night before. We take over a restaurant. Everybody everywhere. Swapping tables. Standing in between. A fine example of Bistromathics. Ensure the father of the bride gets handed money from lots of different people to pay for a meal that was supposed to be paid table by table. The parents must be stressed too. A careful wedding planner will have also made sure that some parts of the wedding attire are incomplete, or simply wrong. The stress of knowing that the groom's trousers are the wrong length will keep the wedding party worrying even as they try to appear calm at the meal.

Pane e Vino

Step 2. Invade the town hall. Watch the wedding. Listen to the celebrant and appreciate his fine command of the Italian language. Applaud at appropriate times. Make sure the mother of the bride misses out on a drink for the celebratory toast after the declaration.

This section is a formal section. To induce stress, you don't have to do anything. Just the concern that this formal and legal part needs to proceed according to the book is enough to maintain the tension.

The Ceremony

Step 3. Wait until the bride is in an exposed position, e.g. at the top of the town hall steps. Open fire with rice - bags and bags of rice. Cover the uneven stone steps with a layer of shiny hard grains, just right for someone who is unaccustomed to her shoes. If possible, go for the eyes. The rice won't cause permanent blindness, but watering eyes do wonders for meticulously prepared eye makeup.

The Martyrdom of St Ashleigh

Since they survive this ordeal, they're well and truly married. Now it's time to wind down the pressure. Everyone gets to enjoy this part, even the wedding party.